FICTION! Heart Vs Mind.

I shut my eyes, tried to block the thoughts and wished that sleep would come. It was 3a.m and I had not been able to get as much as a good 5 minutes kip.

These thoughts just wouldn’t go away, they kept gnawing away at my guts. I could practically feel it. So I opened my eyes again and resumed counting of ceilings; I could almost tell how many pieces of nail there were holding each board. The questions continued to play themselves out in mind as I rolled from one side to the other, then to default position on my back again.

The argument continued inside of me; a heated argument between my mind and my heart and there was no sign of truce anywhere in sight. I just continued to toss around while the battle raged.

‘What do I do, where do I begin, we’ve been friends for so long how do I tell her now how I feel about her? This is going to ruin everything. It’s a risk I can’t take. We’ve come a long way and I don’t want to lose her friendship just because I couldn’t control my emotion; just because 'I suddenly developed feelings.'

‘No man, I didn’t just develop feelings, it has been there for a long time, I have just managed to suppress it all along.’

‘Well since I’ve done a good job suppressing it this far, maybe I should keep it that way; continue to hide the true feeling and simple play friends’. ‘But how long can I keep this up? It’s eating me up, killing me slowly, and driving me nuts.’

The fight continued as I got out of bed. I look out of the window, the first light of day was beginning to shine through the curtains. I glanced at the bedside clock; just a few minutes before 4a.m. ‘Oh God! When will this torment end?’ I thought to myself. It has become a regular occurrence, I'd sit up all night thinking about what is and what could be. It was like a rock tied to my neck, pulling me steadily down this ocean of emotions and I just couldn’t get to shore no matter how far I swam.

‘I need to get this over with’. The argument continued. ‘I have to tell her’.

“But what I am experiencing now is child’s play compared to what it’ll be if I tell her and she freaks and stops being friends with me. I will be crushed, devastated. I can't risk it, I can’t ruin our friendship with my selfish interests”.

“What devastation is worse than this?” Instinctively, I found myself walking towards the standing mirror in my room. What I saw in the mirror made me cringe, I looked like a character straight out of a poorly scripted scary movie; sunken blood-red eyes, unkempt hair, days’ worth of unshaved beards. Succinctly put; I was a mess. I had to put an end to this. Besides she might even feel the same way for me, who knows?

“Hahahaha! Dude don’t deceive yourself, to her you can’t be more than just a friend. So bury your feelings and enjoy your ‘bestie’ title”.

“No! This feeling is too strong to be buried like that. There’s only one way to know how she feels, once she gets back to town I’ll meet her and tell her about my feeling and be ready to face the outcome. It’ll be better than dying here in silence”.

The mind seemed to have conceded defeat to the heart at the moment. With the new-found resolve, I walked to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and tried to arrange the hair, then I returned to the room and lay back on the bed. ‘I will talk to her, tell her I love and I want us to be more than friends’. ‘I will do it, I can do it. I have to do it’.

I kept repeating the sentences as if, somehow they would help me muster up enough courage for the task ahead. A while later my eyes begun to feel lead-heavy and I started to drift off. Finally, sleep.

Suddenly the phone began to ring. Arrrggh! Who could this be by this time? I checked the clock; 5:14 a.m. sluggishly I picked up the phone, my heart skipped a beat when I saw the caller ID. ‘Speak of the devil…' I muttered under my breath as I picked the phone.

“Boo boo”. The voice had a timbre that was distinctively peculiar. “Did I wake you?”

“Of course not, I was out in the field playing football. What did you think?”.

“See your mouth, you’re not happy I’m calling you. How many fine girls have called you since this week?”

“Please I don’t have strength for your troubles. What can I do for you?”

“I’m coming to town this morning and I’ll stop by your place to drop my stuff, stay a while to keep your lazy ass company before leaving later in the evening. So expect me by 9 a.m. and make sure there’s breakfast”.

“Whatever”. I managed to say as my heart raced around.

“Thanks bestie”. She clicked off.

I jumped out of bed and started arranging the house. That was the end of the sleep. In one hour the whole place was sparkling. Next I rushed to the bathroom to freshen up before hurriedly preparing jollof rice.

Luckily I had food stuff left. All these activities did little to quench the foreboding I felt. I was happy she was coming over, at the same time I was scared and unsure how it would turn out. Well in a few hours I’d find out.

The food was ready, the room cleaned, hair combed, beards shaved, the lines had been rehearsed a hundred times over; I was set. Or so I felt.

True to self she arrived just on time, we hugged, made small talks, chatted, ate, joked, fought, made up, fought again. Then it was time to get down to business.

She noticed my mood change and asked what was wrong. I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words, all the built-up confidence flew out of the window. The rehearsals were useless.

“Dude say something or close your mouth before fly enters”.

“I love you”. The words flew out of my mouth so fast I didn’t even realize it. And it hit her like a bullet, it took her a moment to figure out what hit her. Her reaction after she recovered from the initial shock, however, shocked me. She burst into a hysterical laughter. Then she went silent, her facial expressions changed. My heart began to palpitate vigorously. ‘I knew it, I’ve messed up, and she’s freaking out. I shouldn’t have told her. She’s gonna hate me now. I shouldn’t have done this’. With the myriads of thoughts running through my mind in a split second I just wished the ground would open and swallow me.

My heart stopped as she opened her mouth to speak.

“Is this why you’re looking so grim like you want to die?” I didn’t know how to respond. “I know you love me, we’re friends, aren’t we? We can’t be best friends if we didn’t love each other. Right?”

“Yes, you’re right, but that is not what I mean. I love you so much, I’ve always loved you from the start and I want us to be more than friends". The words were flowing like the clog blocking a tap was pulled out. "Will you be my girlfriend?” My voice shook as I spoke the last sentence.

Slowly the laughter disintegrated into a smile. The smile froze for a split moment. Contouring her face into the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Like a priceless work of art carefully sculpted by the most talented masterful potter. I wanted to reach out and grab the face. To capture her in that moment forever because right there was a moment I could live out the rest of my life in. In split moment I felt my hyperventilation easing off. I wanted to smile in spite of myself.

But all that was blown away when the frozen smile thawed and melted away. In it’s place was an expression I could not immediately identify. But I knew at once that it was not good.

“Dude are you serious?”

“Yeees.” I stuttered.

Her gaze narrowed and focused on me. The intensity of the stare felt like a laser beam drilling a hole through my skull. I had to blink rapidly and looked away. ‘My fears had been confirmed’. I said to myself, finally accepting the folly of my actions.

“Yes I am serious”. I pressed on, howbeit, in a somber tone. If this is how it ends I better get it all out there. “I love you so much. And want us to be more than just friends. Not that I don’t like being friends with you anymore, you being in my life is one of the best things that have happened to me. I truly appreciate your friendship. But I can’t continue to lie to myself and pretend about how I feel about you. So I want you to be my best friend and girlfriend.”

I paused. As if to let the words sink in. I seized the break to look up. The intensity of her stare only seemed to amplify. It took the bottom off and drained the last ounce of confidence I had left. My head dropped. “I am sorry.” I said resignedly, talking to the floor. “I wish you could understand.”

In an instant she was on her feet, grabbed her bag and was heading towards the door. I jumped up immediately and went after her.

“Please I am sorry.” I begged. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

She stopped briefly, turned around facing me. When she spoke it was with a hint of tenderness that I had felt from her before. “Stop apologizing. This is just too much for me to process right now. I need some time to think.” And then she was out of the door.

I was transfixed where I stood. Not knowing whether to go after her or let her go. Eventually I settled for the former. I called her name as ran after her. By the time I got outside she was already out of sight. Gone.

What if I never saw her again. The tenderness of her last words were supposed to give me hope but it did nothing to assuage the apprehension I was feeling. It felt like a farmer luring his favourite cow lovingly to the slaughter. She was simply trying to put me down gently. Or not.

“Didn’t I tell you to let things be the way they were? Now look what you’ve done”.

“No man. What I did is exactly what I should have done long ago. Now the bullet is out of the gun, all I have to do is wait and see if it hits target”.

“Don’t be ridiculous. What’s there to wait for? All I’ll see is the death of our age long friendship. I took my chance and missed. Not just missed, I ruined it all. Suck it up and move on.”

I was losing my mind.

I could not think straight. My thoughts were running in hundred different directions all at once. I began pacing the length of the living room trying to convince myself that I had done the right thing. Then I would slap myself across the face for being so stupid and ruining years of friendship. I did not know how long that continued for. Could have been hours but who was counting?

The phone rang once, twice, thrice. I did not notice. It sounded like music coming from a far away distance. I was lost in thoughts. The fourth ring, however, pulled me out of reverie and back to reality. I pick up the phone. My heart stopped for a second and then began to race. I could feel it beating against my ribcage, threatening to burst out any minute now. The line went dead before I was able to steady myself enough to take the call.

It rang again. Before the second ring I press the green button almost out of reflex. Slowly I put it to my ear not knowing what to expect next.

“Hey”. Came the voice on the other end of the line. A voice I had heard a million times yet could never get used to. It tickled me every single time I hear it.

“Hi”. I responded. Almost morosely.

I heard her clear her throat. Then she said “just wanted to let you know I’ve gotten home.”

“Okay.” A moment of awkward silence followed. Awkward because we always had what to say to each other. Not this time. We just listened to each other breathe over the phone. This could a good time to try to explain myself. Maybe apologize for being so foolish. I started to say something to break the silence but she beat me to it.

“I want to also apologize for leaving the way I did.” That caught me off guard. I was not expecting that. She continued, “Just that I was shocked. The whole thing took me by surprise. I had to get away to breathe and to think.”

“Okay.” That was all I could manage to say.

“Give me sometime to think about the whole thing. I will give you a response soon.”.

I jumped and punch the air like a footballer who scored a winning goal in a Champions League final match. My joy was overflowing. Things had turn out much better than I envisaged. I had just been overthinking the whole thing.

“Don’t celebrate yet. The damage has already been done. I have to come to terms with that otherwise I’d be a fool.”

“A fool in love. But a fool nonetheless.”

What happened for the rest of that day remains a blur.

Two days later I still had not heard from her. It took every ounce of restraint that I could muster up to stop myself from calling her. I did not want to come off as being too desperate. Since she said she would give me a response, I am going to man up and wait.

Although I had dropped a couple of messages.

Don’t judge me. I was in torment. The closest person to me had not spoken to me in two whole days. At least I did not call. It was just messages I sent. Two simple messages letting her know that I had to come out and say what I said because I couldn’t hide it anymore and I was willing to accept whatever decision she made. But for all my efforts I got more silence in return. I checked my phone almost every minute expecting to see a message. I was genuinely worried, not just because she had not spoken to me, but she seemed to have disappeared. Even her social media pages had been offline for over 30 hours.

She might be in real danger. I said to myself. Whether it was my emotions and eagerness to hear from her talking or it was my instincts triggering some logical reasoning, I could not tell. But at that moment I decided to throw caution, bravado and pride to the wind. I picked up my phone and dialed her number. About 30 seconds later I heard the disconnect tone. I redialed it. Again she did not pick so I dialed a third time just for good measure. No response. That was not normal. Something was definitely wrong. She was almost always with her phone. Why was she not answering?

Maybe she is busy with something. She had never been too busy not to take my calls after three tries. She’d usually pick up or text to tell me to call later if she was busy.

Maybe she just doesn’t want to you. That must be it. She must be avoiding me.

I was devastated. I didn’t want to feel that way. It was the beginning of a new week, I could not concentrate at work and my colleagues were beginning to notice. Luckily enough my boss was not around. What I did not want though was to wait to find out what her reaction would be when she finds me slacking on the job. I had to get my head straight.

I made up my mind, regardless, to go see her the next day if I still was unable to reach her by phone. The worst that could happen would be her asking me to leave. But for all I know she could be in trouble. If she were in trouble, tomorrow would be too late to help her.

But I can’t just show up unannounced at such a time. What if she was simply avoiding me? That was a possibility that I wasn’t prepared to accept. It’s killing me already that we hadn’t spoken for two days. I just can’t imagine losing the friendship completely over this. A part of me just wanted to go back in time and 

unsay the things I said.

I knocked some stationaries down as I rushed to grab my phone which was vibrating. My colleague looked up over his work cubicle to see what was going on. Immediately I sat up straight in an effort to act composed. Disappointingly it was just a text. But it was better than nothing. From his cubicle he just shook his head and returned to his work.

The message read “Let’s meet after work, my place. I'm cooking.”

My face immediately lit up. Whatever be the outcome, I was almost sure our friendship would survive. “Don’t get too cocky now. This might be an example of the biblical last supper.”

I would not let any negative thought dampen my mood but I knew better than to lower my guard or get carried away by a mere text.

At the close of work I went home straight, freshened up, put on new clothes complete with a designer’s cologne she got for me on my last birthday before heading out to her place. When I arrived she was still in the kitchen putting finishing touches to the meal.

“Make yourself comfortable.” She called out from the kitchen. “I’ll be out soon. Wasn’t expecting you this early.”

“It’s almost six pm.”

“I know. But since when did you become punctual?”

“There’s always a first time for everything.”

“Indeed.” She said quizzically.

She came out wiping her hands with a hand towel. She looked just as beautiful as always even in her loose-fitting joggers and old Cristiano Ronaldo jersey from the 2017 Champions League final. Her hair was packed in a bun, sitting on the crown of her head like a mass of black halo. She started to something but stopped when she looked up and saw me. For a few seconds she stood there looking at me. Then her lips twisted in a wry smile. “Dude why are you looking so serious? Are you going somewhere else from here?”

“How do you mean?”

“You look like you’re going on an important date. You’re even wearing the cologne. I though you only used ‘the cologne' for special occasion.”

“Well I'm having dinner a pretty lady whom I’m trying to woo. I count that as a very special occasion. You know what they say about first impressions.”

“I’m sure she’ll be awed. And I hope you talk as sweetly as you dress and smell so you can sweep her off her feet.” She said as she took her seat to my right.

The evening progressed smoothly like it always did when we were together that I almost forgot what I came here for.

After cooking she served the food; afang soup with semo. Then went to take a shower while allowing the food to cool a bit. When she walked into the living room few minutes later, it was like time slowed. She looked like one of those beautiful screen goddesses from the movies or TV commercials. He full long hair was no longer in a bun, it fell beautiful over her shoulder, slicked by the bath water. Even the way she walked, swaying her five foot seven slender frame like a supermodel on the runway. Even though she wore nothing more than a pajama, she couldn’t ever look more beautiful than she did at that moment.

“When will you ever try to be like a normal lady?” I said as soon as she came within earshot. “You wear bland colours all the time. You couldn’t find pink or red pajamas? Or at least yellow, something feminine. Do you even have night dress that isn't black? Look”, I gesticulated around the room, “even your decorations are so sparse and unexciting.”

“If you are looking for colours, go and make friends with Power Rangers.” She retorted dismissively. We went one to eat dinner amidst jokes, stories and banters.

She finished eating before me and went into the kitchen to wash her hands. On her way back she called out from the kitchen door, “so why do you want to date me?”

I almost choked on the ball of eba I had just put in my mouth. She hurried over, poured me a glass of water and patted me on the back. “E choke abi?” She said and then burst into one of those her annoying laughs.

“Why does everything have to be a joke to you?” I lamented, wiping a drop of tear courtesy of the choking fit.

“I’m sorry I laughed. I know how serious it is but watching you choke on eba was damn hilarious”. She started to laugh again but thought better of it when she saw my reaction. Instead she let out a sniffle. “Okay, finish eating then we talk.”

“I’m done eating. You ruined my appetite already.” I tried to feign annoyance. But I knew the loss of appetite had nothing to do with her laughter.

“I like it when you’re all business like this.” She said. We were sitting on the couch now. She had her legs folded beneath her. I sat up ramrod straight. Intensity and anxiety almost burning a hole inside me. She sighed realizing how tense I was. “Do you really think this is a good idea?”

“I have given it a lot of thoughts. Believe me, I have.”

“And you feel it is wise for us to date?”

“That I can’t answer right now. But it is a risk I’m willing to take.”

Her gaze flickered. She shifted her gaze from my face to the wall behind me as she adjusted her position slightly. “Okay. So tell me why you want is to...”

While she spoke I leaned in and kissed her lips. She flinched for a split moment but did not move away from the kiss. Even though my heart was racing several hundred miles per second, I willed myself to remain still. And it seemed like time stood still too. After about ten seconds that seemed like hours, she slowly but intentionally returned the kiss. In that moment the whole universe dissolved into oblivion as our eyes locked on to each other. Slowly she shut her eyes as if to savour every bit of the moment before gently pulling away from me and wiping her lips with the back of her hand.

“Um,… I wasn’t sure how you’d react, I was kinda bracing myself for a punch in the face.” I said after we recovered from our first kiss. She chuckled.

“Well, I’ve been wanting to do that forever and I can assure you that I don’t intend to play with your emotions. Your kindness and compassion for others did me in.” I continued.

“And the way you fuss and worry about me, how would I not fall in love with you?

I want to be with you always. I wanted to be a macho man and not say anything, but damn macho, I don’t mind being a baby with you. I love you so much it hurts.” I let out a sigh. A moment of silence passed as I let the words sink in, hoping she understands how I truly feel.

Finally I said, “that’s my heart in your palms. Whatever you decide, I’ll accept”

I held my breath waiting for her response. Instead she got up and started pacing. This is it. Here everything will come to a head. This might mark the end…or a new beginning. But at least the whole war, one way or another ends here. All the drama, the rollercoaster of emotions.

She walked to the back of the couch and stood behind me. At that point I had zeroed my mind to accept whatever comes out of it.

“Big head.” She said. A wide smile creasing get face. “I never knew you could be this romantic.” She threw her arms around my neck and squeezed a little too tightly. “Why did it take you so long? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this day? Waiting for you to grow the balls to ask me out.”

The initial shock I felt gave way as a wave of realization swept over me. “What? You’ve been waiting for me to ask you out? Since when? And why didn’t you say anything all along?”

“Say something like what? So you were expecting me be the one to ask you out.”

“No. Not really.” She released her grip on my neck, came around again facing me. She took me by the hand and pulled me to my feet. “If you had been waiting this long, why did you run out on me last time and then disappeared, nearly giving me a heart attack?” I asked.

“Well I am a woman. I have my pride, so I had to play hard to get. I wanted to hear you woo me. And I must admit you almost swept me off my feet. Besides you deserved what you got for making me wait this long.”

Pulling her into my arms I asked, “so is that a yes?”

She looked up as if in thought. Then she said, “you have to ask me officially.”

I went down on one knee, cleared my throat and asked, “Anastasia Nkemakonam Ezekiel, will you be my girlfriend?”

“Hmmm…” She started. “Give me sometime to think to think about it.” She bursted out laughing.

I sprang up and lifted her off her feet and threw her on the couch. Then I jumped on her. “Before you kill me with high BP I will strangle you first.” I said grabbing her by the collar of her shirt and jerking her playfully, all the while she was giggling loudly like a little girl.

She grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me in. “I love you big head. And yes I’ll be your girlfriend.” She locked her lips in mine.

THE END